It's a Dog Eat Squirrel World

Hi Nut Bunch, it's me, Todd.

I'm really kind of pissed off today.  Squirrels don't normally get pissed.  They get aggressive and loud, but we're actually very Zen-like.  Today, I've started plotting how to kill a dog 100 times my weight, but I must avenge a death.

The taxidermied advice squirrel is at war.

So I was sitting on the mantel, stuffed full of cotton, thinking about how I would give my left nut to just have one more cigarette, when I see the woman in my house run for the door.  I look out the window she just left, and I see him.  The Dog.  With a fluffy, adorable squirrel tail hanging out of his mouth.  The woman grabbed the dog's mouth and shook his head like a can of whipped cream until he dropped the dead body of one of my brethren out of his mouth.

It was my cousin, Asa "Mocha Whip" Rabin.

  Rest in peace, Mocha Whip.

Mocha Whip was a good squirrel, but ever since the Rave over at the rabbit hutch, he hasn't been the same.  He's been spending his days smoking grass and listening to the Owl City CD over and over and over.  It's a little nutty, but harmless.  And then he ends up in that slobbering bag of crap's mouth.  It's insulting.

So this week, I'm ignoring the reader questions, and speaking directly to the dog who killed my cousin Asa.

Dog, I've looked at you through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

Run.  Sleep with one eye open.  Be careful what you scratch.  Because vengeance will be mine.


He may get rabies, or Asa's raging case of syphilis, and then my work will be done.  But otherwise, I'm gunnin' for you, Dog.  You've been warned.

 

Hell hath no fury like a taxidermied squirrel scorned, Dog.

If you have any suggestions for how I can torment the dog, please send them to:
todd.hotnuts@gmail.com.  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

I'll answer questions if you wish, but Dog, I'll gut you like a fish.

Love, Todd

Nesting is for Lovers

Happy Valentine's Day from me, Todd.

I love Valentine's Day.  The women start the day all flushed with expectation, and the men start the day anxious.  Then the men end the day all flushed with expectation, and the women end the day anxious.  It's the kind of tail-chasing we squirrels can appreciate.

The taxidermied advice squirrel is your God.  Worship me.

Whoops!  Did I just say that?  I don't mean it, really.  It's just that ever since I was shot and stuffed, I don't think right.  I'm harmless, ignore me.  It's the booze.
(I own your soul.)

This week's letter comes from Kim in Vail, who can't get her husband to clean up after himself.  Have you ever wondered where squirrel poop goes?  I don't .  We're as clean as we need to be, and that's that. 

A READER ASKS:

Dear Crazy Stuffed Squirrel -

My husband is a sloth, and leaves his stuff all over the place.  How do I get him to clean up after himself?

I need answers, Todd.

Kim in Vail

Kelly, I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

TODD ANSWERS:

Take your boyfriend's clothes from the floor of your home.  Lay them in a circular shape on the floor of your living room or kitchen.  Keep building those clothes up until they are at least two feet high and make a nice cushy place to rest.  Then take off all of your clothes and sit Indian-style in the middle.  Eat something messy, like peanuts or goldfish crackers.  Wait until he gets home, look up at him with a big smile, and say, "I'm going to build one of these every day with the cool stuff I find on the floor!"  If you can manage to vomit on his things, or give birth to a litter of baby squirrels, that will help your cause.


I hope this helps your problem.

Thanks for your question, Karla!  If you have any questions for me, please send them to:
todd.hotnuts@gmail.com.  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

With a nod of my head and a flick of my tail, my advice to you will never fail! 

Love, Todd

You're welcome, Sharon.

Todd here.

It's snowy outside, and I love nothing better than to wait in the trees and then jump on a snow covered branch right above your crazy human heads.  Or drop my nuts on your car hood.  Or steal your booze.

I am the first taxidermied advice squirrel, 

and this is my gift.  To you.  The people who presumably killed and stuffed me.

This week's letter comes from Susan in Omaha, who has relationship problems.  Squirrels don't have relationship problems.  Particularly dead ones.  But I'll give it a shot.

A READER ASKS:

Todd -

I am having trouble with my boyfriend.  Whenever we get annoyed with each other, he won't talk about the problem, and it just grows until there is this unspoken tension between us.  I really love him, but I'm not sure if I should stay in the relationship if he won't communicate with me.

Sincerely, 

Susan in Omaha

Sally, I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

TODD ANSWERS:

Take your boyfriend outside.   Put him on one side of a large tree with his palms on the tree trunk.  Then you stand on the exact opposite side of the tree with your hands on the trunk.  When he looks around the side of the tree, dart away so you are once again EXACTLY opposite of him.  Do this for ten or fifteen minutes.  You will either break up and move on to someone else, or he will offer to share his nuts with you.  You're welcome.

Thanks for stopping by.  If you have any questions for me, please send them to:
todd.hotnuts@gmail.com.  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

When I look at your problem through my glass eye, you can tell your troubles goodbye! 

Love, Todd