Nesting is for Lovers

Happy Valentine's Day from me, Todd.

I love Valentine's Day.  The women start the day all flushed with expectation, and the men start the day anxious.  Then the men end the day all flushed with expectation, and the women end the day anxious.  It's the kind of tail-chasing we squirrels can appreciate.

The taxidermied advice squirrel is your God.  Worship me.

Whoops!  Did I just say that?  I don't mean it, really.  It's just that ever since I was shot and stuffed, I don't think right.  I'm harmless, ignore me.  It's the booze.
(I own your soul.)

This week's letter comes from Kim in Vail, who can't get her husband to clean up after himself.  Have you ever wondered where squirrel poop goes?  I don't .  We're as clean as we need to be, and that's that. 

A READER ASKS:

Dear Crazy Stuffed Squirrel -

My husband is a sloth, and leaves his stuff all over the place.  How do I get him to clean up after himself?

I need answers, Todd.

Kim in Vail

Kelly, I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

TODD ANSWERS:

Take your boyfriend's clothes from the floor of your home.  Lay them in a circular shape on the floor of your living room or kitchen.  Keep building those clothes up until they are at least two feet high and make a nice cushy place to rest.  Then take off all of your clothes and sit Indian-style in the middle.  Eat something messy, like peanuts or goldfish crackers.  Wait until he gets home, look up at him with a big smile, and say, "I'm going to build one of these every day with the cool stuff I find on the floor!"  If you can manage to vomit on his things, or give birth to a litter of baby squirrels, that will help your cause.


I hope this helps your problem.

Thanks for your question, Karla!  If you have any questions for me, please send them to:
todd.hotnuts@gmail.com.  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

With a nod of my head and a flick of my tail, my advice to you will never fail! 

Love, Todd

You're welcome, Sharon.

Todd here.

It's snowy outside, and I love nothing better than to wait in the trees and then jump on a snow covered branch right above your crazy human heads.  Or drop my nuts on your car hood.  Or steal your booze.

I am the first taxidermied advice squirrel, 

and this is my gift.  To you.  The people who presumably killed and stuffed me.

This week's letter comes from Susan in Omaha, who has relationship problems.  Squirrels don't have relationship problems.  Particularly dead ones.  But I'll give it a shot.

A READER ASKS:

Todd -

I am having trouble with my boyfriend.  Whenever we get annoyed with each other, he won't talk about the problem, and it just grows until there is this unspoken tension between us.  I really love him, but I'm not sure if I should stay in the relationship if he won't communicate with me.

Sincerely, 

Susan in Omaha

Sally, I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

TODD ANSWERS:

Take your boyfriend outside.   Put him on one side of a large tree with his palms on the tree trunk.  Then you stand on the exact opposite side of the tree with your hands on the trunk.  When he looks around the side of the tree, dart away so you are once again EXACTLY opposite of him.  Do this for ten or fifteen minutes.  You will either break up and move on to someone else, or he will offer to share his nuts with you.  You're welcome.

Thanks for stopping by.  If you have any questions for me, please send them to:
todd.hotnuts@gmail.com.  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

When I look at your problem through my glass eye, you can tell your troubles goodbye! 

Love, Todd

HEY! It's Freakin' February and my tail is twitchin' about it.

Hi.  I'm Todd.  Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein.  And this is my advice blog.  

I see you people, running around with your bags and your stuff and your travel mugs and your kids, looking startled and ducking for cover, forgetting where you put your stuff, chirping at your kids.  You seem confused.  You seem frustrated.  You seem like you need help.  I wish I could just put a feeder full of seeds up for you.  Instead, I'm going to give you advice.  Real, tried-and-true advice that has worked for my family for years.  Look for me to come out of my tree every few days to say hi and answer your mail.

I am the first taxidermied advice squirrel, 

and this is my gift.  To you.  The people who presumably killed and stuffed me.

My first letter comes from someone named "Dim in Davenport," which I assume means they are on their couch with bad lighting, so my first piece of advice is "Get off the couch and live outdoors - it's brighter!"  That was a bonus, because I like this person.

A READER ASKS:

Todd -

Since you are not a living creature (although you once were), I thought you could help me with a problem I'm having with another non-living creature.  The lights no longer work on the legs of my illuminated Christmas deer.  I think it's important to decorate one's lawn at Christmastime, but a floating deer body is a bit weird, and it frightens the neighborhood children.  Any ideas on how I can fix this?  Perhaps you could come over and talk to the deer to see what's happening?

Thank you, Todd!

Sincerely, 

Dim in Davenport

Well Tim, thanks for being my first client.  It means a lot to me, which means a lot, because I am dead and full of sawdust or cotton, and things have really ceased to mean anything to me.  But I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

TODD ANSWERS:

It is Feburary, get the damn deer out of your yard!  It's done it's time, and it's probably exhausted and waiting to get home to have a White Russian and a Boca Burger before it's time to get back out and bring holiday cheer.  That's why it's frightening the neighborhood children - there is a herd of half-lit deer in your yard in February, for Christ's sake!  As far a floating deer body goes, it isn't that unusual where I'm from, as we eat a lot of peyote.  You don't want me in your yard, Steve, because if there is anything I can't resist, it is chewing on electrical cords.  YOW!  I know they will hurt me, but sometimes it feels so good to be bad.

Thanks for stopping by.  If you have any questions for me, please send them to:
todd.hotnuts@gmail.com.  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

There's no need to be so worried, you could be shot and taxidermied! 

Love, Todd




 

Hi! I'm Todd.

Don't get your nuts in a bunch!  

This site is under construction!

Hi.  I'm Todd.  Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein.  Once, I was just your average no-name squirrel.  I flitted and scolded and hid my nuts from the world.  But then, I was shot with a BB gun, gutted, and stuffed by a 12-year-old in Taxidermy class.  I found myself filled with not just cotton, but an all-seeing practical view on life through my magical glass eyes.  Let me share my gift with you!

Starting in February, the month of Love, I will be answering your questions and giving out my special brand of advice.  Please e-mail me at Todd.HotNuts@gmail.com, and I'll pick a few questions to answer upon my whim. 

Because I am a taxidermied squirrel, and we are unpredictable.  And unstable.