Freaky Friday. But it was Sunday.

I was sitting innocently in my phone nook, thinking about Belinda, a really fine brown squirrel from the East Side who could pack more nuts in her cheeks than any other squirrel, when the human pulled me out of my reverie.

It was Halloween.  She had plans for me. 

I watched, laughing, as the Mutt Dog was dressed up.  He was pissed, and completely ashamed.  She pulled the costume over his head, strapped the velcro, put up his cute furry tail and...What the Fuck!?!  He was dressed as ME!

That bastard.

But that wasn't all.  Not only was the Epstein name blighted forever, but this is what I was forced to do:

They made me into the dog.

I swear, with Mother Nature as my witness, if I wasn't dead and stuffed I would so bring the worst case of rabies to these people.  I hope you had a nice Halloween, because I sure as hell didn't.

Love,

Todd

On Another Kill Mission

Hello humans and taxidermied brethern.

The last time we talked, I told about how I am on a mission to avenge the death of my cousin, Asa "Mocha Whip".  Things have changed.  Now, the dog and I have called a momentary truce so we can fight together against a new, more vicious enemy....feral chipmunks in our yard.

Our people have planted a garden, and some punk ass chipmunks in our neighborhood have decided to tag our yard.  These chipmunks, they have some HUGE nuts to be coming around here, eating our greens.  In the old country, this just wasn't done.  But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I've called in another cousin, Steven Segal.

Known in the treetops as Squirrelly Steve, he is one of the Creatures of the Forest.

I take my badassness lessons from him.  I got my trusty serrated blade, and positioned myself in a defensive trench amongst the green beans, and I waited.

See how well I'm camoflauged?  Brown on brown, baby. 

It doesn't get any more ninja than that.

But the more I learn about these chipmunks, the more concerned I'm becoming.  I believe they are a sleeper cell of Al Chippiqua, a terrorist munk organization.  They deal opium, acorn hashish, crystal rock strychnine, and terrorize gardeners.  Here is a secret training film I found of this underworld Munk organization on YouTube:

Terrifying, isn't it?  But it gets worse.  They are not only trained in hand to hand combat, they are also able to take on two opponents at once, known as the "Menace a Tois":


The dog and I may have to get outside reinforcements.  Or at least get matching outfits.  I'll check in again later after I've had more time to formulate a strategy.  It's time to call the New Jersey chapter of the Taxidermied Squirrels.  That's all for now, keep those tails a' twitchin'!!