Since you are not a living creature (although you once were), I thought you could help me with a problem I'm having with another non-living creature. The lights no longer work on the legs of my illuminated Christmas deer. I think it's important to decorate one's lawn at Christmastime, but a floating deer body is a bit weird, and it frightens the neighborhood children. Any ideas on how I can fix this? Perhaps you could come over and talk to the deer to see what's happening?Thank you, Todd!Sincerely,Dim in Davenport
Well Tim, thanks for being my first client. It means a lot to me, which means a lot, because I am dead and full of sawdust or cotton, and things have really ceased to mean anything to me. But I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:
It is Feburary, get the damn deer out of your yard! It's done it's time, and it's probably exhausted and waiting to get home to have a White Russian and a Boca Burger before it's time to get back out and bring holiday cheer. That's why it's frightening the neighborhood children - there is a herd of half-lit deer in your yard in February, for Christ's sake! As far a floating deer body goes, it isn't that unusual where I'm from, as we eat a lot of peyote. You don't want me in your yard, Steve, because if there is anything I can't resist, it is chewing on electrical cords. YOW! I know they will hurt me, but sometimes it feels so good to be bad.
Thanks for stopping by. If you have any questions for me, please send them to:
firstname.lastname@example.org. I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far. Have a great day, relax, and remember: