Sunday, January 31, 2010

HEY! It's Freakin' February and my tail is twitchin' about it.

Hi.  I'm Todd.  Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein.  And this is my advice blog.  

I see you people, running around with your bags and your stuff and your travel mugs and your kids, looking startled and ducking for cover, forgetting where you put your stuff, chirping at your kids.  You seem confused.  You seem frustrated.  You seem like you need help.  I wish I could just put a feeder full of seeds up for you.  Instead, I'm going to give you advice.  Real, tried-and-true advice that has worked for my family for years.  Look for me to come out of my tree every few days to say hi and answer your mail.

I am the first taxidermied advice squirrel, 
and this is my gift.  To you.  The people who presumably killed and stuffed me.

My first letter comes from someone named "Dim in Davenport," which I assume means they are on their couch with bad lighting, so my first piece of advice is "Get off the couch and live outdoors - it's brighter!"  That was a bonus, because I like this person.

Todd -
Since you are not a living creature (although you once were), I thought you could help me with a problem I'm having with another non-living creature.  The lights no longer work on the legs of my illuminated Christmas deer.  I think it's important to decorate one's lawn at Christmastime, but a floating deer body is a bit weird, and it frightens the neighborhood children.  Any ideas on how I can fix this?  Perhaps you could come over and talk to the deer to see what's happening?
Thank you, Todd!
Dim in Davenport

Well Tim, thanks for being my first client.  It means a lot to me, which means a lot, because I am dead and full of sawdust or cotton, and things have really ceased to mean anything to me.  But I've looked at your letter through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:


It is Feburary, get the damn deer out of your yard!  It's done it's time, and it's probably exhausted and waiting to get home to have a White Russian and a Boca Burger before it's time to get back out and bring holiday cheer.  That's why it's frightening the neighborhood children - there is a herd of half-lit deer in your yard in February, for Christ's sake!  As far a floating deer body goes, it isn't that unusual where I'm from, as we eat a lot of peyote.  You don't want me in your yard, Steve, because if there is anything I can't resist, it is chewing on electrical cords.  YOW!  I know they will hurt me, but sometimes it feels so good to be bad.

Thanks for stopping by.  If you have any questions for me, please send them to:  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

There's no need to be so worried, you could be shot and taxidermied! 

Love, Todd


Monday, January 11, 2010

Hi! I'm Todd.

Don't get your nuts in a bunch!  
This site is under construction!

Hi.  I'm Todd.  Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein.  Once, I was just your average no-name squirrel.  I flitted and scolded and hid my nuts from the world.  But then, I was shot with a BB gun, gutted, and stuffed by a 12-year-old in Taxidermy class.  I found myself filled with not just cotton, but an all-seeing practical view on life through my magical glass eyes.  Let me share my gift with you!

Starting in February, the month of Love, I will be answering your questions and giving out my special brand of advice.  Please e-mail me at, and I'll pick a few questions to answer upon my whim. 

Because I am a taxidermied squirrel, and we are unpredictable.  And unstable.