Thursday, January 6, 2011

Todd's Party Moved to Jan. 18!!

Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein
cordially invites you
to his First Annual Quad Cities
Taxidermied Squirrel Party!

WHO: You

WHAT: Margaritas and chips and guacamole

WHERE: Azteca in Cumberland Square in Bettendorf, Iowa

WHEN:  Tuesday, January 18, 7:30-9:30
Because Julie's Book Club conflicted, and those bitches are fierce.

WHY:  If you have to ask why, you may not be ready for a taxidermied squirrel party.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hey Wifers!
Do you like margaritas?
Do you think guac rocks?
Are you pleased by cheese?
Do you have inexplicable feelings of
warmth toward taxidermied squirrels?

Then do I have news for you!
It's time to get nutty with Todd!

Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein
cordially invites you
to his First Annual Quad Cities
Taxidermied Squirrel Party!

WHO: You

WHAT: Margaritas and chips and guacamole

WHERE: Azteca in Cumberland Square in Bettendorf, Iowa

View Larger Map

WHEN: Tuesday, January 25, 7:30-9:30 p.m.

WHY: If you have to ask why then perhaps you aren't quite ready for a Taxidermied Squirrel party.

Come late, leave early, it's all good at a squirrel party. Your appearance is your consent to be misquoted by and photographed for the blog. You will be forced to wear a nametag. It doesn't have to be your real name, but you must consent to be called the name on your nametag for the duration of the Taxidermied Squirrel Party. Pictures with Todd are free and encouraged. Todd will not be available for dancing.


Taxidermied Squirrel Parties are not for everyone. They are not for those with liver problems. Taxidermied Squirrels are not for women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant by the taxidermied squirrel.

If you party with Todd, tell your doctor if you feel any new muscle pain or weakness. This could be a sign of rare but serious squirrel side effects. Tell your doctor about all squirrels with whom you fraternize. This may help avoid serious squirrel interactions. Your doctor should do blood tests to check your liver function before and during the Taxidermied Squirrel Party.

Common side effects from hanging out with Taxidermied Squirrels are diarrhea, upset stomach, muscle and joint pain, and changes in some blood tests. Those with syphilis, pinworms, or chronic halitosis may experience enlarged nuts after interacting with the squirrel.

For those of you I haven't met, I will be the woman sitting at a table with a margarita and a taxidermied squirrel. I will order the first pitcher of margaritas, guacamole and con queso, which you are welcome to watch me drink and eat. All are welcome, except for dogs, cats, wolves, sharks, hunters, hillbillies, tires, or other natural enemies of the squirrel.

See you there. If you have the nuts for it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Freaky Friday. But it was Sunday.

I was sitting innocently in my phone nook, thinking about Belinda, a really fine brown squirrel from the East Side who could pack more nuts in her cheeks than any other squirrel, when the human pulled me out of my reverie.

It was Halloween.  She had plans for me. 

I watched, laughing, as the Mutt Dog was dressed up.  He was pissed, and completely ashamed.  She pulled the costume over his head, strapped the velcro, put up his cute furry tail and...What the Fuck!?!  He was dressed as ME!

That bastard.

But that wasn't all.  Not only was the Epstein name blighted forever, but this is what I was forced to do:

They made me into the dog.

I swear, with Mother Nature as my witness, if I wasn't dead and stuffed I would so bring the worst case of rabies to these people.  I hope you had a nice Halloween, because I sure as hell didn't.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

I hate my human.

I am being oppressed.

I'll admit, I started creating a little drama when I heard the humans were going to put their house on the market.  This house has the best trees, the best nuts, and the best squirrellettes in the hood.  But before you could say 'walnut' they stuck me in a plastic Rubbermaid tub and stuck me in the attic dormer.  Apparently I was too "grotesque' and 'unsettling' and 'dead' to have sitting around the house while people looked at it, so off to the attic I went.

Do you have ANY IDEA how fucking hot it gets inside a Rubbermaid tub inside a dormer in an attic in Iowa in July?  I think I lost three pounds and my sanity.  I was packed away with Edward and Bella action figures, so at least I had someone to talk with, but they would just go on and on about Shakespeare and when it would be appropriate in their relationship to have sex and/or kill each other.
So now the house is sold and it's almost time to move, and the humans think they can just pull me out of the tub and everything will go back to normal.  (As normal as it can be when humans name and clothe a dead, stuffed squirrel.)  I'm done with sitting on my plywood square and going along with all of their plans.  I will not go quietly.  I'm going to take my prescription medication, and think about my strategy.

Any suggestions on how to disrupt their lives would be helpful.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

On Another Kill Mission

Hello humans and taxidermied brethern.

The last time we talked, I told about how I am on a mission to avenge the death of my cousin, Asa "Mocha Whip".  Things have changed.  Now, the dog and I have called a momentary truce so we can fight together against a new, more vicious enemy....feral chipmunks in our yard.

Our people have planted a garden, and some punk ass chipmunks in our neighborhood have decided to tag our yard.  These chipmunks, they have some HUGE nuts to be coming around here, eating our greens.  In the old country, this just wasn't done.  But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I've called in another cousin, Steven Segal.

Known in the treetops as Squirrelly Steve, he is one of the Creatures of the Forest.

I take my badassness lessons from him.  I got my trusty serrated blade, and positioned myself in a defensive trench amongst the green beans, and I waited.

See how well I'm camoflauged?  Brown on brown, baby. 
It doesn't get any more ninja than that.

But the more I learn about these chipmunks, the more concerned I'm becoming.  I believe they are a sleeper cell of Al Chippiqua, a terrorist munk organization.  They deal opium, acorn hashish, crystal rock strychnine, and terrorize gardeners.  Here is a secret training film I found of this underworld Munk organization on YouTube:

Terrifying, isn't it?  But it gets worse.  They are not only trained in hand to hand combat, they are also able to take on two opponents at once, known as the "Menace a Tois":

The dog and I may have to get outside reinforcements.  Or at least get matching outfits.  I'll check in again later after I've had more time to formulate a strategy.  It's time to call the New Jersey chapter of the Taxidermied Squirrels.  That's all for now, keep those tails a' twitchin'!!

Monday, April 26, 2010

My Quest to Kill the Dog

Hello Hot Toddies.  It's been a long time since I've been in touch, and that's because I've been in a place no squirrel likes to be:  Underground.

Almost two long months ago, The Dog at my house killed my cousin, Asa.

Rest in peace, Asa.  You deserved better.

So I spent the last couple of months stalking The Dog and plotting his death.  Oh, and I caught a couple of Ok Go! shows.  (The Chicago show kicked ass.)  Here is some documentation of my efforts:
 I tried to shoot the dog, but he was like Neo in The Matrix, and turned his head in slow motion just in time for the bullet to whiz past his head.  Dogs are all about the whizzing.

The Dog lunged at me, but as I used my mad squirrel Ninja skills on him, my blade deflected off of his steel nose.  I was foiled again.  This was no ordinary stupid dog.  I could not defeat him whisker to whisker.

The old "Shoe Polish in the Dog Food" trick.  But alas...

The Dog Lives.

But this isn't over, not by a long shot.  I will need to go to The Council of Squirrels next month  to decide how The Dog will be dealt with.  In the interim, I have been busy taking your questions.  Later this week I will answer the question sent in regarding "salad tossing".  This topic is near and dear to my heart, because I have tossed a salad or two in my day. 

Thanks for tuning in, my lovely little Squirrel People.  And remember, Whether by kung fu, weapon or pill, The Dog will soon be kill....ed.  (Sorry, I've just returned from Asa'a wake.)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

It's a Dog Eat Squirrel World

Hi Nut Bunch, it's me, Todd.

I'm really kind of pissed off today.  Squirrels don't normally get pissed.  They get aggressive and loud, but we're actually very Zen-like.  Today, I've started plotting how to kill a dog 100 times my weight, but I must avenge a death.

The taxidermied advice squirrel is at war.

So I was sitting on the mantel, stuffed full of cotton, thinking about how I would give my left nut to just have one more cigarette, when I see the woman in my house run for the door.  I look out the window she just left, and I see him.  The Dog.  With a fluffy, adorable squirrel tail hanging out of his mouth.  The woman grabbed the dog's mouth and shook his head like a can of whipped cream until he dropped the dead body of one of my brethren out of his mouth.

It was my cousin, Asa "Mocha Whip" Rabin.
  Rest in peace, Mocha Whip.

Mocha Whip was a good squirrel, but ever since the Rave over at the rabbit hutch, he hasn't been the same.  He's been spending his days smoking grass and listening to the Owl City CD over and over and over.  It's a little nutty, but harmless.  And then he ends up in that slobbering bag of crap's mouth.  It's insulting.

So this week, I'm ignoring the reader questions, and speaking directly to the dog who killed my cousin Asa.

Dog, I've looked at you through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

Run.  Sleep with one eye open.  Be careful what you scratch.  Because vengeance will be mine.

He may get rabies, or Asa's raging case of syphilis, and then my work will be done.  But otherwise, I'm gunnin' for you, Dog.  You've been warned.

Hell hath no fury like a taxidermied squirrel scorned, Dog.

If you have any suggestions for how I can torment the dog, please send them to:  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

I'll answer questions if you wish, but Dog, I'll gut you like a fish.

Love, Todd