Sunday, February 28, 2010

It's a Dog Eat Squirrel World

Hi Nut Bunch, it's me, Todd.

I'm really kind of pissed off today.  Squirrels don't normally get pissed.  They get aggressive and loud, but we're actually very Zen-like.  Today, I've started plotting how to kill a dog 100 times my weight, but I must avenge a death.

The taxidermied advice squirrel is at war.

So I was sitting on the mantel, stuffed full of cotton, thinking about how I would give my left nut to just have one more cigarette, when I see the woman in my house run for the door.  I look out the window she just left, and I see him.  The Dog.  With a fluffy, adorable squirrel tail hanging out of his mouth.  The woman grabbed the dog's mouth and shook his head like a can of whipped cream until he dropped the dead body of one of my brethren out of his mouth.

It was my cousin, Asa "Mocha Whip" Rabin.
  Rest in peace, Mocha Whip.

Mocha Whip was a good squirrel, but ever since the Rave over at the rabbit hutch, he hasn't been the same.  He's been spending his days smoking grass and listening to the Owl City CD over and over and over.  It's a little nutty, but harmless.  And then he ends up in that slobbering bag of crap's mouth.  It's insulting.

So this week, I'm ignoring the reader questions, and speaking directly to the dog who killed my cousin Asa.

Dog, I've looked at you through my all-seeing glass eye, and I do have some advice for you:

Run.  Sleep with one eye open.  Be careful what you scratch.  Because vengeance will be mine.

He may get rabies, or Asa's raging case of syphilis, and then my work will be done.  But otherwise, I'm gunnin' for you, Dog.  You've been warned.

Hell hath no fury like a taxidermied squirrel scorned, Dog.

If you have any suggestions for how I can torment the dog, please send them to:  I have a number of pressing issues to address, thanks so much for your questions so far.  Have a great day, relax, and remember:  

I'll answer questions if you wish, but Dog, I'll gut you like a fish.

Love, Todd

1 comment:

  1. and you ask how I do it???? fuck that you are Chickie Noris!! this is for tormenting a clue that could just be wrong!